BEING GASLIT? 4 Reasons You Might Not Realize It

Are you being gaslit? Do you know what gaslighting is? Gaslighting means that you’re constantly told you’re wrong about things you know are right, even your feelings. A Gaslighter has to be right, you can never be different, and you are made to feel insecure, scared of making the wrong move, and you even begin to question your reality. You live in self-doubt, thinking these criticisms must be “right.” You keep trying to get “better” so you’ll be lovable, while you feel “never good enough.”

None of this sounds good. So, why is it so hard to realize you’re being gaslit for some of you?

Let’s discuss 4 reasons why you might not see it. That can happen. You must learn to protect yourself. Because Gaslighting eats away at you, tears down your self-esteem, the little you have of it …

A Critical Voice in Your Head

You’re vulnerable to a Gaslighter (who criticizes you at the drop of a hat) if you have a critical voice in your head that constantly attacks you. That’s the voice of self-hate. It won’t let you alone.

Self-hate, which develops early in life (see next section), is a terrible thing to live with. Yet, it is not only a critical voice in your head, it’s your internal Gaslighter, just like the one you’re with.

Because, here’s the biggest problem with that self-hating voice: You believe it. In fact (a rather counterintuitive fact), you think it’s helping you be aware so that you become your “better” self.

That’s what a Gaslighter will tell you – one of their most “perfected manipulations. That is, whatever “better” is. Since you’ve never felt you were good enough from the very beginning.

So, here you are in a relationship that’s supposed to be about love. You need love. And, you want to believe this is love. So, you feel he (or she) knows best and you must be who he (or she) wants.

That means you aren’t free to be who you are, including your mistakes and imperfections. Everyone has them. It’s just that Gaslighters think they are “perfect” (no one is), and you don’t.

It’s a difficult combination: that critical voice in your head + a critical partner. They team up against you big time. And, where does that leave you? Probably where you were as a child.

          You Suffered Childhood Trauma

You don’t get a critical voice in your head unless something went wrong in your childhood. That could have been several things, most commonly physical or verbal abuse or serious neglect.

Maybe there were criticisms, name-calling, rejections, and being told you were wrong all the time. Or severe neglect that made you feel something must be wrong with you. It must be your “fault.”

Or, you might have experienced circumstances beyond your control that you blamed yourself for. Unfairly, for sure. Yet, you didn’t have anyone to help you work out your feelings or the trauma.

The effects of childhood trauma last far into adulthood, without you realizing exactly what those effects are. You grew up feeling self-critical, never good enough, and maybe even hating yourself.

That’s why you might not realize you’re with an (abusive) Gaslighter. You think he (or she) is right. Childhood trauma leaves you with poor self-esteem that a Gaslighter can easily prey upon.

You’ve Got Poor Self-Esteem Already

Do you have poor self-esteem already? That means you didn’t get the love you needed as a child.

Growing up in a loving family with loving people who accept and encourage you to be you, that’s what paves the way for healthy self-esteem. Which means that you can like you for who you are.

When that doesn’t happen, you can’t love yourself, and you live with self-hate (for too long.) Love is the major ingredient to feeling good about yourself. And knowing what love is and is not.

Gaslighting is NOT love, even if you want to think it is. Or, maybe your Gaslighter tells you he (or she) wouldn’t tell you these (constant critical) things if it wasn’t out of “love” and to help you.

That’s wrong. No way, is it love, if someone doesn’t accept you for who you are, tears you down, and makes you feel bad about yourself. You’ve already got poor self-esteem from your childhood.

When you do, then you don’t feel deserving of love. You look for it in the wrong ways and places.

         You’ll Do (or “Be”) Anything for Love

Do you know the old classic Johnnie Lee song, “Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places?” There’s some truth to that when you were starved as a child, and you’re (understandably) hungry for love.

You thought you’d found it. Many Gaslighters are narcissistic abusers, so they can be complimentary and real charmers in the beginning, and make you feel the way you long to feel.

So, once those criticisms begin, the twisting of your words, making you doubt your sanity or reality, it’s awfully hard not to make all the excuses in the world for that person who you need to love you.

Maybe you overlooked the signs, maybe he (or she) hid them well at first to “get you”. But here you are. What do you do? Especially since you’ll do or “be” anything for love. You need it that much.

That often starts in childhood, too. You had to watch out. It seemed like those people must be right about you. You twisted yourself into what they wanted or went into hiding. And, every day, you hoped that if you were “good,” you gave them what they wanted, maybe then, you’d get a scrap.

You got older, but the childhood pain didn’t go away. Nor the hunger. Or, the fear of being unwanted. Sadly, you think your Gaslighter’s right. You don’t even know that you’re being gaslit.

So, you do it again. You try your hardest to be who you think will make you loved and lovable. Try to be a version of the person you think he (or she) will love. It doesn’t work. That’s because it’s the Gaslighter’s problem (and the people’s in childhood). It’s not because of you. What now?

       Learning to Stand Up for Yourself

These are 4 possible reasons you’re stuck in a bad situation. And, you can’t get out since you think this is the only love you want. Or you can’t be alone. You don’t think you’ll ever find anyone else.

And, if you’re terrified of the consequences (anger, abuse, more demeaning criticisms, being abandoned if you talk back) – that makes it all the clearer that you are being Gaslit.

Everyone needs to have boundaries and a voice to speak up when mistreated. If you can’t, or can’t find a way to leave, maybe it’s time to think about getting some professional help.

You can heal, build your self-esteem, and find real love. It’s just too hard to do it on your own.