Do You Struggle with Anger After Childhood Abuse? That’s Normal

Anger after childhood abuse is normal. Yet, you probably struggle to express it. Either you stuff it down, feel guilty about it, or are (or were) told your anger is wrong or “bad,” so that’s how you think about it. Or you can’t control it when your anger does come out. Here’s the reality: Anger after abuse is a normal reaction to being mistreated. And there are ways to learn to express your anger that can help you. If you can’t, you’re likely depressed. Depression is known as “anger turned against yourself.” The worst outcome of that is you end up with self-hate, which makes you feel even worse.

Learning to express your anger after childhood abuse helps you develop good boundaries. You couldn’t have boundaries as a child. You were too terrified to stand up for yourself. Or if you did, you were punished. Now, as an adult, boundaries protect you from further abuse. They are saying “No” when you need to. Boundaries help you speak up for what you need. They allow you to minimize what you give to assure you’ll be loved (because you feel you have to give whatever is asked of you to get anything, even if it’s crumbs.) Boundaries help you develop self-respect. You can learn to have them.

Expressing anger in healthy ways after childhood abuse is what you need to do to develop boundaries. Here’s how:

Healthy Ways to Express Anger After Childhood Abuse

The way you communicate is key. Childhood abuse comes with accusations and shoulds, such as “You should do this, or You shouldn’t do that.” You’re criticized and berated and told what you do wrong.

Of course, you’re angry when you’ve been abused and mistreated in these ways as a child.

You shut down. Feel bad about yourself, defensive, and, yes!, you’re angry (even if you can’t express it). No one can listen clearly or openly when you’re treated that way. So, how you talk about your feelings or needs (and express your anger after childhood abuse) is the most important thing you can do to be heard, taken seriously, and to get what you want. No one modeled or taught you how. Here are some important tools:

A. Use “I” messages, not “You” messages, to communicate your feelings and needs.

For example: “When you talk to me like that, I feel …” Or, “I don’t want to do that right now.” “I” messages aren’t accusations. They’re expressions of your feelings or beliefs, not attempts to control someone else.

B. Consider the tone of your voice. A calm, straightforward, confident tone is most likely to be heard.

C. Once you’ve said what you need to say, be open to listening to the other person’s response.

If they aren’t respectful, tell them you can’t listen until they are. Walk away if you need to. That’s keeping your boundaries and will protect you from criticisms or “you do this or that” attacks.

D. Empathy is an important part of communication. You deserve it when you say what you feel.

And, if anyone continues to treat you with accusations, ask yourself: Is this a healthy relationship to continue?

Want to Know More About Anger After Childhood Abuse?

Elphaba, in Wicked, the recent 2024 film, gives us plenty of insight into struggles with anger and rage after childhood abuse. Read my recent post, Wicked: Rage at Abuse isn’t Wicked, on my film blog, Characters on the Couch, if you’d like to know more about the reasons for anger after childhood abuse and what happens when you’re misunderstood or you can’t express it.

Here’s the link: https://charactersonthecouch.com/wicked-rage-at-abuse-isnt-wicked/

You don’t have to continue to struggle. A specialist in childhood trauma can help you.