Why Hunger for Love Can Steer You Wrong

Hunger for love can steer you wrong. Do you end up with critical partners who make you feel like you’re asking too much and gaslight you into feeling something’s wrong with you? You can’t figure out if that’s true. Here’s the reality. Many things might blind you: 1. Turning away from safe love because real closeness scares you; 2. Choosing someone who “love-bombs you,” mistaking that for love; 3. Trying to save (or change) someone out of fear of another loss; 4. Thinking someone’s possessiveness means they love you; 5. Over-giving because you’re humiliated by your needs.

Let’s take each of these one by one. Understanding can help you change. If you were starved of love as a child, you can easily repeat the past and end up in the wrong relationships.

Turning Away from Safe Love

Childhood trauma makes you scared of being close. People weren’t safe. And they continue to frighten you into adulthood. You don’t know how to choose. But you’re hungry for love.

Hunger for love can steer you wrong. Here are some of the ways:

You might be too quick to trust the bold ones who come on strong with their desire for you. It seems like they like you. That’s enticing, since, deep down, you don’t ever feel wanted.

You don’t know how to listen to your instincts or see the “red flags.” Probably, you can’t turn to safe people, even when they’re right in front of you. Maybe they’re kind, quieter, “not as exciting?”

“Exciting” might also mean you’re drawn in by someone who makes you work hard for their love.  Trying to win them over from other competitors, trying to prove that you’re the desirable one.

That can make you miss the love that a kind (not so flashy) and reliable person has to offer you, like a friend who could be more than a friend. There are other scenarios, but you get the idea.

You’re more taken with someone hard to reach. That’s likely something you’re repeating.

A mom or a dad who favored your sibling; who was abusive, depressed, alcoholic, or a workaholic. Or was always finding fault with you? You never felt good enough. Tried hard to get their love.

You ended up feeling it must be your fault. There must be something wrong with you. That makes you vulnerable to gaslighters, “love bombers,” and unavailable people. You blame yourself.

So, you’re confused about how to get love. How much do you have to give? Give in? Or give up?

Fear of Loss & Becoming “A Savior”

Maybe you don’t feel you can be (or deserve to be) loved for who you are (because you live with a critical voice in your head). You’ll do anything to keep the love you think you have – or to get it.

That critical voice comes from a traumatic childhood, developed by taking in criticisms and being afraid you aren’t lovable. Now, it tries (believe it or not) to “warn you” so you don’t get rejected.

It tells you that “you’d be stupid” to count on love. You better do everything to keep it. That voice is convincing. It’s been there a long time. You don’t know any other way not to be alone.

Now, you want some (sort of) power or control over your fear of not being loved, right? Power over loss, rejection, and being told you’re doing something wrong or asking for too much.

So, you give everything you can. You choose people who are down and out and need you. This prevents you from needing “too much.” You’re devoted to saving them – and not losing them.

Yet, it also makes you vulnerable to being controlled. Hunger for love can steer you wrong.

Being Possessively Controlled

Someone’s possessiveness can feel like love, at least at first. It’s like you’re #1. You’re so important that he or she doesn’t want to share you. It’s just “the two of you.” Yet, it’s not as cozy as it seems.

After a while, you begin to feel that you can’t make a move. You’re afraid to make the wrong move. Anything too separate, or not what your partner wants, is a transgression, criticized, and “punished.”

You’re scared, all the time, since the honeymoon of “oneness” has worn off. Always being yelled at. If you try to speak up, it gets worse. Whatever power you felt you had over love leaving, is gone.

You’re powerless. You try so hard to do everything “right.” Nothing pleases them. You’re stuck. And you’re still trying so hard to get “back” the love you believed you had. But – was it love?

If you were traumatized as a child, controlled back then, felt you were never good enough, and convinced it was because of you, you can’t know what real love looks like. You only want to feel loved.

This means you will do anything, even continue blaming yourself, while trying so hard to be “good.”

When love hasn’t been reliable in the past, you can’t stand the idea of losing it. You can’t trust you’ll find love that treats you well, you’re afraid of being alone, and you feel humiliated by your needs.

You don’t know what a “normal” need is, and anything feels as if it’s too much to ask for. Your critical voice shames you for wanting anything, tells you not to, and leaves you hungry.

Hunger can steer you wrong. Past humiliation can make you want to control any humiliation now.

Fear of Humiliation

Childhood trauma means humiliation. All children need love. When you’re criticized or rejected, when love is hard to reach or inconsistent, you feel humiliated for wanting it and trying to get it.

And, if you were mistreated for showing your needs and hunger for love, that’s the worst.

You’ve lived believing it’s weak to expose emotional need. You have to be “strong.” That’s what you think. “Strength,” to you, means not exposing any need. Take care of yourself. Don’t be vulnerable.

You don’t feel safe. You’ve never felt safe. And you’ve unconsciously chosen similar relationships.

Not being able to be vulnerable, though, means you can’t be your real self. That makes a relationship difficult. Yet, you never learned to read the signs. To choose someone who won’t hurt you.

Or everywhere you look, you see “signs” that make you wary, and you keep to yourself. You’re alone. Protecting yourself makes some sense. But how do you do that, not be lonely, and find safe love?

There are ways. Hunger for love doesn’t have to steer you wrong.

Learning Boundaries & Red Flags

Being traumatized and abused as a child means that you didn’t learn good boundaries for yourself. No one had them, and no one taught you to have them. Boundaries protect you from choosing wrong.

Learning to see red flags and to say “No,” is part of having good boundaries. This is possible if you begin to accept and value yourself and refuse to take less than you deserve.

Accepting yourself starts by saying: “It’s not my fault.” Childhood trauma wasn’t your fault. Nor is it your fault you’ve unconsciously found yourself repeating the same kinds of relationships. It happens.

Some people will humiliate you so not to feel humiliated. You’re wrong, not them. They never apologize or take responsibility for their hurtful behavior. They, also, may not trust love, but you can’t save or “fix them” if they don’t see themselves. No one changes unless they want to.

These are the ones to steer clear of. Remember that. You can change and find the love you need. That means being able to set clear boundaries for yourself and say “No” to being mistreated:

1. Remind yourself that you don’t deserve being yelled at or abused. It’s not you.
2. Walk away if you are in a relationship with someone who treats you this way.
3. If you can’t, get professional help for the voice in your head that blames you.

Professional help with a trauma specialist is your best option to:

1. Resolve the past that you’re repeating in an abusive relationship.
2. Build your self-esteem and empower you to find what you deserve.
3. Allow you to know that being alone is better than abuse. (You can do it.)
4. Know you don’t have “to starve” with someone who can love you for you

To Believe in Love (or not?)

Love requires openness and vulnerability. You can’t be open with someone who lashes out and constantly hurts you. Love means you don’t have to be perfect. You can be who you are.

Not so simple? No, it’s not.

But believing in love is possible when your childhood trauma is understood and resolved. You won’t have to mistake possessive abuse for “love.” Or accept the blame inflicted on you.

Don’t blame yourself for losing your way and choosing the wrong people to love. It happens after trauma. A common aftereffect is repeating early childhood relationships. You can break free.

You can learn to believe in love – and find someone who treats you with respect. Stay open. Look for people who accept you. People who aren’t critical. They’re always there if you can see them.

Do you want to know more about how hunger for love steers people wrong? Read my recent post about the 1986 David Lynch film, Blue Velvet. Click hereto find my Characters on the Couch blog.